lyf ryt now

last week was amazing, i woke up every day unbelievably motivated and driven to get things done, i even got my full license which i even studied a tiny bit for, i spoke to people and did things and it felt so good. SO GOOD! last week, i was peaking.

this week has been a real struggle to come to terms with being home--i have found that it really does come in waves, when you feel so incredibly prepared to use all of the things you've learnt and apply it like a beast and then other times when you actually don't feel like you can function not having had a total clarification of purpose at 'this exact moment'.

i went and saw an old friend who works at a record store and i was just stumped and couldn't convey anything i wanted to properly and just felt myself sliding down into the inability-to-express-yourself-so-you-are-doomed-to-your-cave-of-loneliness pit, and went away happy with my purchase (björk's homogenic, can't go wrong)  but so unhappy that i acted like a 16 year old freak.

i also have a problem with saying no to people
eg. i just signed up to greenpeace to save the great barrier reef because i got nice-bullied into it and sucked into a conversation with these two guys because i didn't want to be rude and say no and then suddenly he was taking my details and then we were talking about basketball and now i am donating $25 next month to their cause. so actually i am going to call them and explain what i have done and that this is the result of personality issues that i am trying to work through so i don't have to give them 25 bucks that i don't have.

I HAVE STRONG OPINIONS BUT CAN'T GIVE THEM OUT COS I AM A FOOL.

i would rather not disclose how many times i have listened to 'creep' by radiohead or the strokes and laid on my bed and sucked myself into the void of my sad-brain this week...preeeeetty embarrassing. i couldn't even spell embarrassing without spellcheck. WHAT HAVE I BECOME.

most wonderful conversation with a good mate last night though which has so far been the highlight of my dumb week.

bergh, worst post ever

re_____

reconciliation

i was finally able to get over myself and reply to a message that had been lingering in my inbox like a bad smell of rotten egg for four weeks. pride is very ugly, and it can come more subtly than we realise in ways we don't understand as being filled with it. humility is about breaking down your own walls and putting others before yourself, understanding that what is right and what you want sometimes are two very different things and understanding that you need to put your wants away and be a bigger person. it is also a beautiful thing when you do that and realise it isn't actually so scary and it does more good for you than it probably does for the other person




rejuvenation

i wrote this the day we spent together, but we both acknowledged how important this day was for us to getting back to normal together again and it just felt so perfectly us.

"this post is dedicated to my best friend in the entire galaxy, we just spent the entire morning in my bed. i can't actually remember what we were talking about but i do remember that we laughed harder than we have in a very long time together. it was so beautiful, because sometimes you think that being adult and making grown up decisions literally suck out all of the glowing moments that make being alive an exquisite thing. but in spite of knowing that after april it might be a really long time until we are living in the same country again, we are mad dawgz at not even thinking about that. i think that is a conscious decision for us because it hurts too much. so we are carpe diem-ers cos if we weren't it would hurt the poo out of us.

we finally decided to make a plan for the hour and half left we had together before i had to work and obviously it constitued of getting hot chips and gravy and we surprised ourselves adding doughnuts and eating said meal in the pool with my beautiful hound who finished our chips through the gate for us. there has never been anyone more perfect for me and i'm so grateful she is such a huge guiding light in my life. i still wish i was a boy cos then we could marry each other..oh well."




replenishment

i am finally beginning to understand how enriching relationships are in our existence. i have had so much social exposure this week and it was actually SO GOOD. from hanging with bff4lyf annette to seeing romeo and juliet with a very dear friend and role model to seeing a girlfriend from high school for breakfast to spending time with my cousin up the coast to a spur of the moment movie night with a boy after church. i also went to a club this weekend to see my brother's dj set for my godsister's birthday which was soooooo much fun and i boogied my toosh off. coming back home each night and lying in bed thinking about all of our very different interactions and what makes them special is so fulfilling for me. seeing which parts of yourself are brought out with some people but shadowed with others...it's FASCINATING. it's so important to know who you are and everything but letting people fill you and touching each others souls are much more remarkable things than i was ever aware of.

butt the sixth!

i woke up today at 11am, listened to the flaming lips, got mum to shave a chunk of the back of my head, went for a five km run, tried to enjoy taylor swift, didn't jump on the swift ship and went sprinting back to one direction as my #1 running band 4 lyf.

it's been very strange, kind of reinventing myself for the last month and a half but i have realised in the last few days that i really am the same person, just with many new experiences and a new maturity and insight into how important my faith is to me. i am fully aware that i need it now more than ever, and that i can use that faith to ensure that happiness is in my life, and to radiate that out to other people and touch them with it is indescribable.

i took my dog for a walk today and went out listening to this one




and as i walked through the reserve with my noble hound, roxy, i was filled with a very simple and pure slice of bliss. i actually boogied my dog more than i walked her...that sounds kind of nasty actually wow, i will never use that term in this context again.

that bliss doesn't come from the approval of others, i am completely sure that that kind of bliss that makes you boogie is directly related to how you view yourself in the place that you are in, surroundings and all, regardless of the (almost) all-consuming negativity and confusion eating up your environment and the relationships with the people you love most. it doesn't consume all. when you know who you are and have an understanding of how unique and full of beauty you are in the eyes of someone who made the cosmos, that kind of bliss is unquenchable and cannot be consumed.

we also ate fish and chips and i watched jurassic world again and marked maths tests for my mum

pretty good.

damn you friday the fifth of feb

i should have known when my day started out with seeing a dead fox

i literally cried in the car with my dad and THEN i saw a dead kitten, yes, a kitten and then i cried again.

AND THEN after a kind of pleasant-strange afternoon, i found out maurice white had died and i felt like the precious glass bottle holding memories of car rides and dance parties in which earth, wind and fire had played a vital role had just been stomped on by a t-rex and munched by the grinch when he was still evil and liked eating glass.

as if that wasn't enough, i kind of realised that a dude who i thought was quite close to is really struggling with some stuff and i have been left in the dark about it.

i cried again and then we got pizza and coke and dad watched welcome to the jungle with me.









those are my feelings of the friday the fifth of feb

i want to kill it 73 times in the head

love your grandies

today i was lucky to be able to spend some time with my yiayia -panayota- and papu -janis- my grandparents who are very, VERY greek and gave me all my greek genes-nose, hair colour, amount of hair, i got it from them.

i haven't spent a lot of time with them in the course of my life and i really am kicking myself for not doing so because they are such beautiful people. my yiayia has dementia and is going through some real health struggles but my papu. wow. i snuck into their back gate and here was my 80 year old grandfather mowing his lawn in crazy hot heat while yiayia sat inside and had a look of despair on her weary olive face. every day, he cooks and cleans and feeds her and speaks to her as she declares her deepest worries of things in the past that never actually happened, and he sits their and listens to her. the man literally exudes patience and love and he has the most twisted sense of humour.

my best friend, annette, sent me an article about minimalism and how when it is applied into your life it brings you so much more happiness. that everything unnecessary that you strip from yourself-things that you have collected to shape your identity that don't actually validate the core essence of who you are-you have more time and energy to spend developing your attitude and behaviour and your relationships.

i learnt so much from my grandparents today. about how i want to be and also how i don't want to be. that is the beauty of humanity in that even in the negative, their can still be a growth for at least someone. it is never neutral, never unchanging. and what a wonder that can be for all of us.

the tide is high

literally every thing in this blog so far has started out as something from a really incredible movie that has inspired me since I was a child--the lizzie mcguire movie.

HAH.

anyway, i think i had a small insight into my future tonight as i was house sitting for some dear family friends with their two poodles, psycho hyperactive poodles but i love them. i got home from having dumplings with my brother and as soon as i got home, i put on some 70's soul and played around with the pups and then watched them try and destroy everything possible, including each other.

when i say i had a small insight into my future, i also want to imply to myself that it's time for me to make it, instead of it being something without my grasp and something that i stare at with starry eyes and no substance or desire to act behind it, it really is something that i have power to shape.

all i know so far is:

-there will be dogs

and

- there will be 70's soul

i think this is a good start

ooooh lizzie is leaning on gordo now HEHEEEEEE i love this